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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27897679">I see Red</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/COCOshameless/pseuds/COCOshameless'>COCOshameless</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love is not easy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Peaky Blinders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:20:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,391</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27897679</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/COCOshameless/pseuds/COCOshameless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For a lot of people red mean passion and love. For Lizzie the colour was pain and blood. It didn’t stop her from loving it, because pain and blood were always follow by pleasing moments.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love is not easy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I see Red</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!</p><p>It’s me again. Like always feedback are appreciated. </p><p>Hope you love it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For a lot of people red mean passion and love. For Lizzie the colour was pain and blood. It didn’t stop her from loving it, because pain and blood were always follow by pleasing moments.</p><p> </p><p>When she was little her father used to hit her. Leaving her with open wounds and sometimes with a split lip making her taste the savour of blood. Her mother would then come to comfort her and heal her wounds. Her mom didn't love her, but while she was taking care of her, Lizzie pretend she did. </p><p>One night she hear hers parents fighting in the kitchen, it end with the departure of her father. She go find her mother with the hope to comfort her but instead find a body in a pool of blood. She cry, knowing that nobody will be here anymore to take care of her after the fits of anger of her father. He never come back and sadness gives way to joy. </p><p>Her aunt takes her in, it’s not perfect but at least the beating disappeared.</p><p> </p><p>At eleven years old, she wake up with blood on her underwear. She doesn’t know what’s happening, but she is in pain. She is found by one of her cousin crying. He leave and come back with his mother, who laugh when she understand the situation, and then explain everything. </p><p>Lizzie is having her first period, it will happen every month because she is a woman now. To celebrate the change happening in her niece, her mother’s sister decide to make a cake and buy her a dress. Lizzie like being the center of attention for a day and this change makes her happy, after all it mean she can have children. She wear her new red dress with proudness.</p><p> </p><p>Lizzie is fourteen when the war begin, everybody say it will not last long but they are wrong. Her uncle died two year before, and she had to stop going to school to help caring for her two younger cousin. Three of her cousin go to war. Only woman and child are left and her world shattered again. She is left with a sick aunt and two little boy to take care of. </p><p>Finding work is difficult when you left school early. She do odd jobs here and there but they never last and the money she earn is barely enough to feed four mouth. Lizzie find herself going days without eating. </p><p>After one year living like this, she becomes a whore. She meet a man who offer her the double of what she earn usually if she sleep with him, she accept. It’s quick and he is a nice man, who thank her at the end. She tell herself it will only happen this time but do it over and over again, because of the money . </p><p>Of course with this work come bad men, men like her father. Most of her clients likes to hurt her, to make her bleed. Lizzie tell herself that this type of men are only to be fucked when time are rough. Nice men are rare, rough times are not.<br/>
Most of the time after working she is in pain but her belly is full and her family is fed. Lizzie hate her work and the pain she endure doing it but she hate the feeling of starvation more. </p><p>When all is over the soldiers comes home. None of her cousins comes back from the war, having all died fighting for a country who will not remember them. Her aunt dies and hers two boys are send to live with an uncle. Theirs uncle is disgusted by the things she did to survive and refuse to take her in. Lizzie is left alone. </p><p>Everybody know that she is a whore now, and no honest business want to employ her. She puts on red lipstick and go to work. At least this time there is more nice men, even If they are a little crazy because of what they lived in France.</p><p> </p><p>Red has always been part of Lizzie life and yesterday she would have told you it was her favorite colour. Today she hate it and never want to see it again.</p><p> </p><p>She had been awoken by Thomas leaving their bed. He was taking the children to London for the week end to see Ada. Lizzie was invited to, but had decided to stay and rest, she was feeling tired all the time this past few days. She had taken breakfast with them, had kiss them goodbye and had gone back to sleep.</p><p>This time it was cramp in her lower abdomen and back who wake her, and devastation come over her. She was loosing the baby who was growing inside of her and of whom she had learn the existence recently. </p><p>Lizzie had suspect being pregnant for some time, she had recognise the signs and had gone to see a doctor who had confirm it. She had not told a soul, not because she didn’t want this baby but because she was scared of Thomas reaction. </p><p>They had never talk about having another child together and when she had told him about Ruby, he had not reacted like Lizzie had hoped. So she had kept this news to herself not knowing how to tell him.</p><p>She had always wanted to have a big family. Her time as an only child had suck, but she had loved to grow up with three older cousins. She had told herself that If she had a child she would have at least two more. </p><p>She feel the pain growing inside of her and let a cry escape her mouth. She was hurting so much and she could felt tears running downs her cheeks. </p><p>She stay laying in her bed waiting for the suffering to disappear. Preventing herself  from making to much noises. Not wanting the maid to come see what’s happening to her. Lizzie doesn’t do a good job, because she hear Frances knocking on her bedroom door.</p><p>“Ma’am, it’s Frances one of the maid told me she heard weird noises coming from your room, is everything alright?” There is worry in her voice.</p><p>Lizzie force herself to get out of bed to go to the door. She takes to much time doing this simple task. Every steps she takes is torture. When she arrive at destination, she choose to keep the door close. She force herself to sound normal when answering.</p><p>“Everything is fine, I am just a little sick. No need to worry.” She is out of breath but you can’t ear that she is crying.</p><p>“Do you want me to call a doctor?”</p><p>“No! It’s going to pass. But Frances please, tell the chef there’s no need for him to prepare a meal for me. I don’t feel like eating.”</p><p>“He already did it, but I will tell him to keep it for tonight.”</p><p>“Do that, thank you. I am going to rest now, you can leave.”</p><p>“I will see you later Ma’am. I hope you will feel better soon.”</p><p>“I am sure, I will.” She hear the housekeeper leave and she is relieve. </p><p>She turn around to go back to bed and is almost there when she stop at the sight before her. Lizzie see red, her bedsheets is cover in blood and when she look at herself, she see that her clothe are in the same state. She throw up, after that everything is a blur. </p><p>When she come back to her sense, she find herself sitting in one corner of her bedroom. She doesn’t know how she got here and how many hours have passed but she can see that it’s dark outside. She probably missed supper.</p><p>Lizzie is not in pain anymore, she should probably move but she has not the force to do so. </p><p>She hear noises outside her door. It looks like Frances is talking to a man about her. She hear her maid say “...sick, say not to call the doctor... hasn’t eat anything today... didn’t leave her room...”. Lizzie does not distinguished what the man is saying, but his voices is pressing. It’s only when he say “ Thank you Frances, you can leave.” That she recognise Tommy voice.</p><p>What is he doing here? He was supposed to be in London by now. Had Frances called him?</p><p>Lizzie hears Frances leave, and is surprise that he doesn’t enter their room right away. Instead she hears him pacing in the hallway.</p><p>Waiting for the door to open is hell for Lizzie. She decide that it’s better, if she let him know that she know he is here. </p><p>So, she call to him. “Tommy.” Her voice is so low that she is not sure he hear her, but she see his shadow stop moving under the door. It look like, calling him, made him decide what to do next, because finally he opens the door.</p><p>Lizzie see her husband searching for her. She see his face reflect shock and horror when he sees the blood on their bed, see him relaxe for two seconds when he find her in the room before he see her bloody clothes.</p><p>“Lizzie what happened?” He is moving toward her rapidly .</p><p>“Watch where you are going, I vomited earlier, I don’t want you to step in it.” He is disgusted by what she just said but watch more attentively where he is going.</p><p>“Lizzie tell me, why is there blood everywhere?” He murmur sitting in front of her. She feel his stare on her, assessing if she is hurt. She meet his eyes and tell him the truth. </p><p>“I was pregnant. I am not anymore.” She is blunt, only because she doesn’t have the force to sugarcoat the events of the day. She see him start to get up “Where are you going?”</p><p>He look at her like she is crazy. “We need to call a doctor.”</p><p>“No, we don’t. I am fine, the bleeding stopped and I don’t feel sick anymore.” He is not convinced by her words. “Please Tommy, if I needed a doctor I would have seen one by now.” He is hesitating, not knowing if he should do what she say or what he think is best. “Why are you not at Ada?” Changing the subject is the best thing to do. It work because with a sigh he sit back.</p><p>“I called to tell you we had arrive and Anne said that you were sleeping...“ </p><p>“Who is Anne?”</p><p>“The new maid, the one I employed last week.” Oh, she had forgotten about her. “Then Frances called me, telling me you hadn’t leave your room all day because you were sick...”</p><p>“I don’t see why that made you come back.”</p><p>“I wasn’t finish talking. She then said that you hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. Since you didn’t ate this morning but only drank water, I knew something was really wrong because even when sick you force yourself to eat.”</p><p>“ You noticed.” She was surprise.</p><p>“Of course I noticed.” He was upset. “I know you Lizzie, you never miss more than one meal because you hate feeling hungry.” Sometimes she was surprise with how much he knew her. “So I left the children with Ada and came back.” </p><p>Knowing that the children are not here ease her a little. She didn’t want them to see her like that.</p><p>“I don’t understand, why she called you. If she had come to ask if I was fine I would have answered.” She didn’t understand why he had come back.</p><p>“She did, you had locked the door, It’s why they called me. When they asked you to open it, you screamed at Anne and I quote « Leave me the fuck alone! ». ” She was shock and it show on her face. “I was surprise too, I never heard you speak badly to the staff. Even when they fuck something up you treat them nicely.”</p><p>“You forgot the Martha incident.” That made him laugh.</p><p>“Nobody can forget the Martha incident, even the cook still talk about it.” They both look at each other and smile tentatively.</p><p>The conversation die between them. Lizzie could probably keep it going but she doesn’t know what to say anymore. She let her head fall against the wall and close her eyes and wait for Thomas to decide what to do next.  If he had not been here she would have stay here, fall asleep and wait tomorrow to deal with the events of today.</p><p>It always come back to her waiting for him to decide what to do. </p><p>She is almost asleep when she feel him move. She open her eyes and he is standing above her, offering her his hand. She takes it and gets up even if she want to sleep.</p><p>He lead her in one of the bedroom who is never use and make her sit on a chair. He kiss her on the head and leave her alone, closing the door behind him.</p><p>He comes back with clean sheet and begin to makes the bed. When he finish, there is a knock at the door. He goes to open it and she notice that he makes sure that the door keep her hidden from hoever is on the other side.</p><p>She can hear them talking but she doesn’t pay attention to their conversation. Trying to listen to them would be to difficult since she is already forcing herself to stay awake.</p><p>When he comes back to her he has a jug of water in one hand and a glass in the other. He puts everything on the table before her. He pours water in the glass and give it to her. “Drink.” It’s an order. </p><p>She do as she is told and realise that she is fucking thirsty. It should not surprise her after all she had not drink anything since breakfast.</p><p>She takes the jug from his hand and pours herself a drink. She repeat the action until her thirst disappear. When it does the jug is empty.</p><p>Thomas leave again but this times when he comes back he has a basin of water in his hands and a towel on his shoulder. Like before he puts the items on the table.</p><p>This time he make her stand up and take off her clothes. He soak the towel with water and put himself on his knees to wash away the blood from her body. It’s cold and it makes her shiver. She can sees the water turning red every time he put the towel back in it. </p><p>She feel guilty letting him to this. Like she is betraying the baby who had been growing inside her. She let herself cry again. Thomas hear her cry, she know because she feel him stop for one second before continuing his task. It doesn’t take long for him to erase from her body the sign of her miscarriage. Without blood on her it’s almost like it didn’t happen.</p><p>Once he is finish he goes back to the bed, she hadn’t see before but on it there is a nightdress, he takes it. When he goes to give it to her, she doesn’t accept it.</p><p>“Do you want me to put it on you?”</p><p>She shakes her head. “Another one, I want another one.”</p><p>“Why? it’s your favorite, it’s why I picked it.” He is lost.</p><p>It’s true it was her favorite and because of that it’s red. She look at it and then the basin where water is now tainted with blood to make him understand. She could tell him but she is afraid of him thinking that her reasoning is stupid.</p><p>He finally realise. “Oh, don’t move.” With that she is left alone again. When he come back he has a green nightdress. Lizzie is appreciative of the fact they understand one another without word. “Here.” This time she accept it and put it on and wait. </p><p>Thomas takes her by the hand and guide her to the bed. She put herself under the covers where he joins her. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They just stares at the ceiling.</p><p>“Did you knew?” He murmur, afraid of breaking the silence.</p><p>Lizzie could ask him Did I knew what? If she hadn’t know him for so long she would have because she could know a lot of things but since she know him, she know that he is asking Did you knew you were pregnant? She turn her head to look at him “Yes.” </p><p>He flinch “ Why not tell me?”</p><p>“I was afraid of your reaction. I know that you love Ruby but when I told you I was pregnant you weren’t really excited.” </p><p>“Lizzie the day you told me you were pregnant had been hell for me. So yeah, I did not have the best reaction to the new but I always believed that you knew I was happy.”</p><p>“How would you want me to know? You proposed me to have an abortion. It’s not really the reaction of an happy man.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. Like I said my day had been shit. Not an excuse, I know. Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.”</p><p>“I agree.” Her answer made him smile.</p><p>She does not expect it but he turn his head to look at her.</p><p> “I would’ve been happy. I want another child with you for some time now. I know if I had told you, you would have said yes. But I was afraid, that you would only accept because you felt like you had to,not because you wanted it. I couldn’t ask you to give me this, not after everything you already gave me. So, I never asked.” </p><p>She can’t believe what he is saying but sincerity is all she can hear in his voice and see in his eyes.</p><p>“Why are you telling me this?”</p><p>“Because I want you to not fear my reaction if you were pregnant again. I also want you to know, if you decide after what happened today that you never want another baby, I would respect your decision.”</p><p>With that she find herself crying again. “I don’t know what I want. I can’t think about it now.” </p><p>He take her in his arms and try to calm her. “Sorry, I didn’t want to make you cry. You don’t have to decide now. I just wanted you to know that I would do what make you happy. I am sorry, I was trying to comfort you. Shit, I don’t know why I always say the wrong thing.” He kiss her head.</p><p>The tears doesn’t stop falling for a long time. She is not mad at him. She understand what he was trying to do. When she finally calm herself, she hear him sing a song. She doesn’t recognise it and doesn’t understand what he is saying but it’s sad and hopeful at the same time. It’ like he is promising her that everything would be better. She doesn’t want him to stop singing but everything has an end.</p><p>“I didn’t know you could sing?”</p><p>“It’s because you never heard me. I use to sing to Finn. I think he is the only one who ever heard me but he probably doesn’t remember. Most of the time I was alone when I singed. After the war I completely stopped, there was nothing that made me want to sing.”</p><p>“Too bad, your voice is beautiful. I didn’t want you to stop.”</p><p>“Thanks...I think we should sleep. It was a long day, you need to rest.”</p><p>“Ok, but can you talk until I fall asleep, please? I am sick of silence.” </p><p>He is thinking about what to say to her. “Can i sing instead?”</p><p>“You just said that nothing made you want to sing anymore.”</p><p>“Well yeah, but it was before.” He is smirking.</p><p>“Sometimes i don’t understand you. You can sing all you want, just not something sad.” </p><p>She fall asleep listening to him singing a song. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t wear red for a longtime after that day but time pass and heal wound. She find herself pregnant again and like she had always dreams she has three child. Thomas sing to the baby and she watch him in a red dress.</p>
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